Unofficial rules for a harmonious household-‘STOP TOUCHING MY EYES!’ and other gems

Are you getting a bit paranoid that everyone else’s children help during ‘tidy up time’ and hold their parent’s hand as their ‘special signal’ that they would like to speak to them while waiting patiently for them to finish their conversation?

Do your kids finish a book then hurl it across the room shouting ‘ALL DONE’ and let you know they’d like to speak to you by repeating ‘muuuuuumeeeee’ until you feel like punching a wall?  Me too.

This one’s for you.

  1. Treat everyone with respect at all times.  Don’t headbutt the dog.
  2. Treat others as you would have them treat you.  We do not pick people up by their noses, eyesockets or using your own head.
  3. A tidy house is a happy house  If you wee on the sofa tell mummy immediately.  Under no circumstances should you continue sitting in the wet patch watching Tree Fu Tom.
  4. Everyone has their own responsibilities to make them feel like a valued member of the household.  Only people over the age of 20 are allowed to pick the baby up.  Put the baby down.
  5. Activities shall be age appropriate Dinotrux scares the baby, you may not have it on while he is awake.
  6. Indoor voices  Dinotrux makes you screechy and hyperactive, you may not have it on while he’s asleep either
  7. Television time will be limited using a special algorithm based on your age and the number of talking animals you have seen that week  Daddy will stop typing ‘dino’ into the search function of the tellybox then playing whatever it turns up and stick to cbeebies until he proves he can be trusted.
  8. Respect one another’s privacy and personal space  You may come to the toilet with mummy or you may wait outside-pick one!
  9. Your body is your business  You can only play with your own willy, leave your brother’s alone.  Also leave the dog’s willy alone.
  10. Safety first  When jumping off the windowsill onto the bed, first ensure your brother is not in your flight path.
  11. Gentle hands please.  We don’t touch other people’s eyes.  STOP TOUCHING MY EYES!